Hello STILL non-existant followers,
Well as you can tell, LMU has kept me more than busy. I have NOT kept up with my goal of once a week posting. But then I blame homework, my soulmate MS, Betas, and various other happenstances that keep me from doing something as inane as record my life and thoughts for the invisible computer people who don't even read this or know that it exists. But moving on!
A lot has happened: MS is now one of 3 Beta sweethearts (of which I am TOTALLY jealous because I am a little bit in love with about half of Beta's graduating class), she's seeing a guy named Jonah, I have a crush on SZ who I hadn't seen for a year until we randomly found out that we had a class together, my mom has tried to convince me to consider working for the foreign service rather than going to grad school (which I am determined to rebel against because I had an easy life as a child and never felt the need to rebel and it is coming out now for no reason other than all young people need to rebel at some point in thier lives - or thats what pop culture has lead me to believe), I have met up with Dr. Y to say hello and discuss my future, I have written papers, decided that I like some Austen, gotten drunk a few times, gone through recruiment, made stupid choices, made good choices, found out that my final for Comedy class is a stand up routine in front of the whole Living Room, and most important of all I have found out that I am most likely going to be graduating early.
I cannot describe to you the fear that was instilled in me the first time I figured out this last fact out. Never have I been so smote with gut-crunching bisbelief and terror. Not for college, not for study abroad, not for comedy stand up. Nothing scares me more than realizing that life as I know it is going over in less than 11 months. It's amazing the difference 6 short months makes on the overwelming thought that soon I will have to make a decision about HOW TO BEGIN THE REST OF MY LIFE. Granted, early graduation at this point probably means nothing more than moving back to Fresno for a few short monthes to apply for absolutely every scholarship, internship, and job that might just barely tickle my fancy. But still. Scary shit, man.
However despite the horror that looms over me whenver I think about my possible future I have grown somewhat fond of the idea. For the first time in my college career I feel like a real adult. Which is silly because I am still doing very immature things like talking about boys, staying up too late gossiping with my girls, getting drunk with my friends and worrying about what to wear for the next formal event. And yet there has been more than one occassion where as I stroll alone across campus thinking that my Year of Lasts has begun (last recruitment, last time figuring out housing, last Crush Party, etc.) I can't help feeling so God-damn adult and well... to be kind of honest... badass. Like I am coming into the world and so far it is accepting me with open arms.
Will it all be as simple and fun and sexy as my silly, pampered, romanticized mind makes it out to be? Hell no! (Unless by some stroke of unfathomable luck I win the lottery or meet, fall in love with, and marry the prince of some distant, quite European country, but both of those options look quite unlikely at his point). Still theres a part of me that feels ready to be going through this stage of my life.
Then again, ask me again if I still feel that way next December when my pending graduation is practically upon me. I am sure the answer will be quite different.
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